In My Brokeness

I do not really know how to categorise my mood and emotion right at the moment. I thought I should be happy and relief that it is over. I thought I should come out from the stressed emotion of the past 7 weeks. I thought the hurting words are not in purpose. I thought I forgive. I wish I forget. I prayed that I want to let all these behind.

But the truth is - I wake up this morning, still find myself in brokenness, spiritually. My self confident, my heart, my value, all crushed into pieces.

May be my expectation is wrong. I thought the relationship with Jesus is sweeter everyday than before. It turns out I am down down down all the way in my heart.

So I thought, perhaps I'm not working hard enough to make the relationship sweet.. So I work harder. I work harder. I work harder. But the reward for all that was gradually increasing depression, confusion and disappointment.

Then I question, should I run away from this? Just leave everything behind and perhaps find a job oversea where no one knows me. Is't I am not in His favor and I should stop here instead of keep irritates Him and His people. Isn't God is love? Why I only see people in disguise. It makes me sick. Is it because my serving not in His favor? Or because I am so unbearable in His sight?

Again, I drown in brokenness.

I know God must have mad at me this time. I would not have been surprised to hear God express anger about my spiritual inadequacies. He has all the reasons to shame me, to blame me, to be disgusted by my spiritual failure and disappointed in me.

I am spiritually bankrupt. But, I still can't change the fact that He is the only true living God. He is my God. My beloved Father in Heaven. Surprisingly He speaks to me even when my spiritual resources have been dried out, stolen, depleted, He pronounces blessing.

Psalm 34:18 ~ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 51:17 ~ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

He did not despised my spiritual brokenness, rather, He sees it as a kind of worship. God understands how difficult it is to let go. But God also recognizes the spiritual maturity that is being shaped in us during this process. God treasures every single changed in me. He hugs me tight to His heart even when I was collapsed in brokenness. He wipes away my tears with His loving hands.

Who am I to deserve this?

Ya, I do not need to care what people may say or think of me anymore. God knows it all. He sees what people don't. He treasures me in everyway. That worth all. I will sit here, waiting Him to restore every single part of me. Let Him bandages my wounds and heals me completely.

Psalm 126:5-6 ~ They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing. He who goes forth bearing seed and weeping [at needing his precious supply of grain for sowing] shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.